FW: Men will be Men...doesn't matter if they are in BLUE! :)

Fw: Wife and Best Friend

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

FW: Latex Gloves

 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking
very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"There's a building in China with a big tank of latex, and workers of
all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't even crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Fw: Naughty Johnny

She brought him up to her room and said "Johnny, take off my top."an he took off her top. "Now Johnny, take off my skirt." and he took off her skirt. "Please take off my bra, Johnny." and he took off her bra."Johnny please take off my panties." and he took off her panties. Now Johnny please don't wear my clothes to school anymore.
=================================================================
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a"Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly,"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I wantto see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing,laying down on the seat, and "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
=================================================================
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking," Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the riple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, .........but I like your thinking.
=================================================================
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father."The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!
=================================================================
Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
=================================================================
Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other. "Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny. "Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated." "Okay, I've understood." "What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically. "Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get fucked like a dog!"
=================================================================
Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always asking questions. One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you? Auntie: Well Johnny, that's not a question that you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh? Auntie: Johnny! That's not a question you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed? Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That's not a question you ask a lady!
Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know howold you are. You're 32 years old.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that? Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You're 135 pounds.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that? Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this? Johnny: Well, I found your driver's license last night. Here it says that you're 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Where does it say that? Johnny: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.

Fw: For Boys who say Women can't Park (Funny Video)

Fwd: And we swear NEVER EVER to attack ......!!

Would u like to join Israel Army.....never say yes....... see death without bullet......

ISRAEL forces....

Israel's Army

Fwd: Feelin Bored...Some Tips for u..

If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:

Then have a nice day.


1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.


2. Make blank calls to your Boss.


3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and
immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your
mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach
there. Then do vice versa....... ...... !!


4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to
irritate him/her.


5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).


6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working
and try changing your ex-pressions also.


7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking
silly doubts.


8. Make faces at strangers in office.


9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.


10. Learn to whistle.


11. Revise last week's newspaper.


12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.


13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.


14. Compile "How to waste your day"


15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.


16. Have work breaks in between tea.


17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.


18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore
them..Then repeat this process.


19. Look at someone & try to imagine how (s)he might have looked when (s)he
was 5 years old.


20. Read jokes and send jokes.


21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a snap.

22. Send this mail to only one at a time to every one in your contact list.

Fw: Santa and banta

Santa was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank.Santa thought to himself, "Life isn`t so bad after all," and got off the railing.He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life."Thank you," Santa said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.""I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can`t scratch it....

===========


Banta enters a bank to see about getting a business loan."What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager."I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.""I don't think we can give you a loan," was the reply so the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a suitcase filled with money.The same bank manager came up to him and asked, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.""Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.""Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?""Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Fw: Hot and cold sex

Santa and Jeeto scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together.After the examination, the doctor then said to Santa, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?""In fact, I do", said Santa. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.""This is very interesting", replied the doctor."Let me do some research and get back to you."After examining Jeeto, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"Jeeto replied that she had no questions nor concerns.The doctor asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?""Oh !!" she replied. "That`s because the first time is usually in June and the second time is usually in December."

Fw: American vs French

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

Fw: Sex with wife!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

Fw: Blonde jokes !!

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

-----------

A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

----------

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

------

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

------

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

-----------

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."

-----------

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."

Fw: DEAF & DUMB MAFIA BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him outof ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf & dumb. That was the reason he gotthe job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf & dumb bookkeeper would nothear/say anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about hismissing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million buckshe embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks thebookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know whatyou're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper'stemple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don'ttell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in abrown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard inQueens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" Theattorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?

Fw: Sexy Questions and Simple Answers

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".

Principal! : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy, both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy:, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Fw: Software industry re-defined

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a Baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver A Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly.................
9) Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.....

FW: 9/11 jokes

1) The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after theattack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies ofeverything."


============ ========= ========= ========= =====


2) Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such greatbldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection withthat..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

Fw: Sex life of 3 daughters

A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day, she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives.

The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter arrived with only a single message, "Nescafe."
The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said;

"SATISFACTION, TO THE LAST DROP..." So,the Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read; "Benson & Hedges."
So the Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges' ad, and it

says; "EXTRA LONG,KING SIZE." The Mother was happy.

After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive.

When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home for a British Airways ad. She finally found one
and fainted. The ad read:

"THREE TIMES A DAY,SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"

Fw: Asshole from Texas, put in White House

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have
him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for
work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have
them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take
an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half
the country will be looking for work the next day."

Fw: Why friends keep forwarding jokes

I found this the best of the lot. It explains the need to have such a website

Dear Friends

Keep in touch

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to
us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess
what you do - you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact,
you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't
know how, you forward jokes.
To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, you are
still
wanted, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that
I have sent you just a joke, but that...
I Have Thought of You Today!
Send This To Your Friends And Let Them Know
You're Always Thinking About Them And
Don't Forget To Send It Back Your Friend
Who Send It To You...Let Them Know
You're Thinking About Them Too!!
Luv ...

Fw: conversation with my colleague

Colleague: Yestarday I didn't sleep
Me: Why ?
C: because of Shivaratri
M: hey forget all these things. sleep is more important
C: its good not to sleep once in a while
M: its good to skip food sometimes, but do not skip sleep
[..and here comes the punch line ...]
C: you should give some rest to everything (!!)

It is a true incident

Fwd: chalo hus lo ab

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck
up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next
day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love
to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river
when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down
?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate
love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the
choices were "fuck or drown."

Fwd: Munnabhai ke jokes

All disclaimers apply

PROFESSOR
Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI
Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,
par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai.
Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI
Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT
Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.
MUNNA BHAI
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CIRCUIT
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe.
Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Tamil sikhna padega. Kuch upay batao.
MUNNA BHAI
Tamil kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU
Meinay ek Tamil baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, tu kitna pada hai?
MAMU
B.A.
MUNNA BHAI
Sala, two akshar pada aur woh bhi ulta?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FW: Fun With Math

Fw: U WILL cry with laughter- its just awesum!!!

This is a joke that is really funny and it works!] An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to buy the food.
The sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food around But the Saleslady told her the same thing, so the old lady went back home and brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store again carrying a big container. She went up to the sales lady and said, "Put your hand inside here". The Saleslady shook her head. "NO", she said, "there is probably something in there that will bite me!" "I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you". the old lady said. So the Saleslady stuck her hand inside the container and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container you must send this to at least 10 people, when it says, your mail has been sent...instead of clicking OK, hit ALT-8 and the container will pop up on your screen.

Fw: Kargil war - A true story

Vivek Pradhan was not a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi express could not cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin person, it was the savings in time. As PM, he had so many things to do!!

He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use. "Are you from the software industry sir," the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop. Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.

"You people have brought so much advancement to the country, Sir. Today everything is getting computerized. "

"Thanks," smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a look.
He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and well built like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely out of
place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school.

He probably was a railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass. "You people always amaze me," the man continued, "You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside."

Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naiveness demanded reasoning not anger. "It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it."  For a moment, he was tempted to explain the entire Software Development

Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement. "It is complex,
very complex." "It has to be. No wonder you people are so highly paid," came the reply.

This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence crept into his so far affable, persuasive tone. " Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in. Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work. Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office, does not mean our brows do not sweat. You exercise the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing." He could see, he had the man where he wanted, and it was time to drive home the point.

"Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway
reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centres across the country. Thousands of transactions accessing a single database, at a time concurrently; data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?"

The man was awestuck; quite like a child at a planetarium.
This was something big and beyond his imagination. "You design and code such things."  "I used to," Vivek paused for effect, "but now I am the Project Manager." "Oh!" sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, "so your life is easy now."

This was like the last straw for Vivek. He retorted, "Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I do not do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is  to get the work done in time and with the highest quality. To tell you about the pressures, there is the customer at one end, always changing his requirements, the user at the other, wanting something else, and your boss, always expecting you to have finished it yesterday."

Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with self-realisation. What he had said, was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending
the truth. "My friend," he concluded triumphantly, "you don't know what it is to be in the Line of Fire".

The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek. "I know sir, I know what it is to be in the Line of Fire." He was staring blankly, as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time.

 

"There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolour at the top only 4 of us were alive."

"You are a...?"

"I am Subedar Sushant from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a soft
assignment. But, tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture, one of my colleagues lay injured
in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain sahib
refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded... ....his own personal safety came last, always and every time."

"He was killed as he shielded and brought that injured soldier into the bunker. Every morning thereafter, as we stood guard, I could see him taking
all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir....I know,  what it is to be in the Line of Fire."

Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of how to respond. Abruptly, he switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a Word document in the presence of a man for whom valour and duty was a daily part of life; valour and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to
epical heroes.

The train slowed down as it pulled into the station, and Subedar Sushant picked up his bags to alight.

"It was nice meeting you sir."

Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This hand... had climbed mountains, pressed the trigger, and hoisted the tricolour. Suddenly, as if by impulse, he stood up at attention and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute.

It was the least he felt he could do for the country.

PS: The incident he narrated during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true-life incident during the Kargil war. Capt. Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight. For this and various other acts of bravery, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, the nation's highest military award.

Live humbly, there are great people around us, let us learn!

 

Fw: WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five

minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping

around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments
that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she

is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she

wants to think long and hard before deciding how and
when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.

Just say you're welcome.



Send this to the men you know to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if they remember the
terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good

laugh!

Fw: Mr.Narayana Murthy's Speech on Late sitting

Subject: Fw: Mr.Narayana Murthy's Speech on Late sitting

 

Be Strategic..
Infosys Chairman - Mr.Narayana Murthy's Speech on Late sitting:
 
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some
people do so because of a work emergency here the long hours are only
temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't
know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the
office this long. Others put in  long office hours because they are
addicted to the workplace.
 
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the
long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There are
things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit. Being in  the
office long hours, over long pe riods of time, makes way for potential
errors.
 
My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make  mistakes
caused by fatigue! Correcting these mistakes requires  their time as well
as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through
Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday.
 
Another problem is that people who are in the office for long hours  are
not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't
working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other
people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much
better when people work together instead of avoiding one another. As
Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office. First
and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work with  a
manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly  lose
their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp
of 2 AM, Sunday. Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their
lives.
 
For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the comics, watch a funny movie, dig the dirt, play with your  kids
etc..
5) Eat well and sleep well.
 
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.
Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are
hard for some of us because that requires personal change. They are
possible since we all have the power to choose to do them.
 
In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my eldest son.  When
he was a toddler, If people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall
asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it
was.! He would fight off sleep until the visitors left. It was as if he was
afraid that he would miss  something. Once our visitors' left, he would  go
to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired and would scream through
half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid  the price for
his fear of missing out. Perhaps some people put in such long hours because
they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office.
The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That  is
life! Things happen 24 hours a day. Allowing for little rest is not
ultimately practical. So, take a nap. Things will happen while you're
asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
 
Hence "LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR
COMPANY"
 
- Narayana Murthy

Fw: Fantastic Print Ads

Fwd: latest pj's

Ek Gadha ped par chadha to oopar baithe haathi ne poochha:
Haathi: Tu kyun chadha ?
Gadha: Apple khaane
Haathi: Lekin yeh to Mango tree hai !!
Gadha: Maloom hai, main apple saath laaya hoon!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------



Champu and Pampu are 2 elephant friends. Champu is in love with
Champi, > > the elephant beauty queen. Champu proposes to Champi and
she rejects him for some other rich elephant across the river. Champu
is very sad, so Pampu consoles Champu and asks him to play see- saw at the
garden.

Suddenly the see- saw breaks... and they burst to a
song................... guess which one............................



> >



> >



> > Scroll down for the answer!!!!!!!!..........................



> >



> >



> > ..................



> > ............................................



> > ...........



> > ............................



> >



> >



> >



> > See- Saw ho ya dil ho.... aakhirrrrrr...toot jaata hai....toot
jaata hai...toot jaata hai....!!!!!



--------------------------------------------------


> > The Maratha Regiment was fighting hard on the border against
the enemies....They had to cross the border to capture the enemy


base....but no one was able to cross the border and go across.
fearing death .



> > Just then Hawaldar Pawan Kumar Jhonke ...got up and crossed the



> > border.....and nothing happened to him ..why??



> >



> > Kyon ki



> >



> > Panchi Nadiya PAWAN K JHONKE... Koi Sarhad na Inhe roke...(from



Refugee)



========================================


> > A man is speeding in his Ferrari on the highway.......suddenly
a hare hops up from nowhere, onto the road. unable to dodge it he
runs


right o v er it............overcome by concern he stops his car to
inspect
the hare..........the hare is dead. being an animal lover ,our
Ferrari driver tries to bring back the hare to life........he
frantically
searches the dicky of his car and finds a spray- can there.......he
sprays
the dead animal with it...suddenly the hare springs back to
life........it runs along the road....looks back and waves at the
man....then again
runs along some distance ,looks back and waves at him.....and then
again
runs further,looks back and waves...



> >



> > the man looks at the can and reads these words...



> > 'HAIR SPRAY. BRINGS LIFE TO DEAD HAIR.INCREASES WAVINESS.'



---------------------------------------------------------------------------

----



> > A friend gives a barrel full of FEVICOL to his friend on his
birthday.



> > What does this friend who receive the gift sing ???



> >



> > Dushman na kare dost ne ye kaam kiya hai



> > Umra bhar ka gham (gum) hame inaam diya hai........



----------------------------------------------------------------------------




> > One day James Bond goes to buy a pan. The pan walla asks him 4
Rs. for the pan but James Bond gives him only 1.5 rs. When paan
waala
asks him for the rest of the money ...Bond replies ....?????



> > Take a guess



> > .



> > .



> > Dhai (2.5) another day.........

FW: Remains from Mahabharat... Amazing

FW: please help MR.OLATUNDE (you might become rich and get a chance to go to Africa)

From: olatunde bello [ayobiodun2005@yahoo.com]
Subject: please let me hear from you sir

DEAR. SIR, MY NAME IS MR.OLATUNDE FROM GABON, EAST AFRICA I AM WORKING WITH
GABON. PETROLEUM CORPORATION

My reason of writing you this letter is that I want to come to your country
for investment in your company if you are ready to help me because I am
having about (12million) dollars or more which I am willing to invest in
business, I work with Gabon petroleum corporation as a loading officer,
Presently I have arranged and packaged the money as a consignment and deposited
it with One of the bank in Ghana Accra for safety purpose here in Ghana west
Africa, please sirs do try to maintain the confidentiality involved in this
business. Right now am in Ghana Accra West Africa. With my family For security
of our self because I benefited this money from my country in my company, and
I decided to leaf my country with my family to your country for investment,
that is why I contact you Please if you are interested contact me in
my telephone
number (+233-243601499) or my email address- ayobiodun2005@yahoo.com contacts
me immediately so that we can discussed on how to move the money out from Ghana
to you over there before I move with my family to your country. Because I want
to invest this money in your company . Or any order business that you know is
very lucrative in your country, am expecting to hear from you urgently.

Best Regard, MR.OLATUNDE

FW: Lead India Grand Finale

For those of you who missed the final episode of Lead India, here is the link where you can catch the complete episode. Watch India and Indians Choose their future Leader. It's been more than decades since India waited for such young, dynamic and visionary leaders, who could inspire her young and educated Youths who have lost hope in our democracy due to corrupt politicians and bureaucracy. It's time we all become RK Misra or Devang Nanavati, its time we change the system, its time we change ourself, its time WE Lead India…….

 

Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwG_oTLO_TE

 

Part 2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIUV-CZzI0Q

 

Part 3 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vU4zwWptpBE

 

Part 4 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyJw37whuNw

 

Part 5 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35nO33GisRE

 

Part 6 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pHHC6vEz6A

 

Part 7 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sblGXg6xmas

 

 

FW: Take a break..... Ultimate!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old.
 
 Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
 
 
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
 

FW: How to take a leave !

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would notallow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" thenhe would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down on theceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. Itold her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss wouldthink I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What areyou doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for acouple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do youthink you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark." !!

FW: WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......:-)

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE.


TAKE A LOOK:

1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


--------------------------------------------------

2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--------------------------------------------------

3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

--------------------------------------------------

4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

--------------------------------------------------

5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ##### ***

--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____####

--------------------------------------------------

7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ////-----+++

--------------------------------------------------

8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal
abortion."
Tech support : ??????

--------------------------------------------------

9).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ?!%#$

--------------------------------------------------

10). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????

--------------------------------------------------

11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : @@@@@

--------------------------------------------------

12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

--------------------------------------------------

13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : *** ---- ++++

--------------------------------------------------

The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that
his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
and
it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech support:: (hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.


-------------------------------------------------

Hight Of all (Too Good)
15) customer care officer: I need a product identification number right
now

and may I help u in
finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer